I jump as everything crashes, clanging unto the tile floor of this oh-so-questionable bathroom. In my mind, bathrooms should be either brand new or demolished. There is no room in the world for old bathrooms…they just look…somehow.
I am searching frantically for something…soap, shower gel…anything that one can use to bath. At this point, I will use toothpaste to get a good scrub but all I can find is the hand wash I stole from that hotel and the body cream from the plane. This is my punishment. Stealing is bad, I know this.
Sigh. I am an even hotter hot mess than I was yesterday. My hair has now become one hard knot of its own accord. My eyes are swollen and my head is pounding. I am very careful to avoid making eye contact with my reflection for fear that my current appearance will become ingrained in my mind. I would much rather depend on my memories of babe-hood.
Iwiyisi will soon be here, I think to myself, as I trudge over to my now familiar bedside seat. The monitors are still competing with each other for my attention. I can’t wait for her to come and give me my daily two hours of sleep.
It’s Iwiyisi. She does that thing people do where they ‘say their knock’, you know in a sing song voice. Rather than just actually knock. It usually precedes a “peace be unto this house” (have you noticed that it is uninvited guests that say that? Peace be unto…like it somehow makes them welcome).
Just as I think about her, in she walks. She is, as usual, the exact opposite of me. All styled hair, not a strand out of place, perfect makeup with smoky smoky eyes, a pedicure done less than eight months ago. Sigh.
As she walks in, I wordlessly indicate that my patient is sleeping, so we should keep our voices down and I hug her right before I crawl on to my makeshift bed. I am out before I hit the pillow…
Me: “Okay, So I want to propose to my bridesmaids”
Me: “You know now, propose!”
Bisola: “You mean, like get on one knee?”
On this day, I was deciding how I was going to officially ask my bridesmaids for their hand in my marriage. As Bella Naija and Aisle Perfect had been mounting pressure on all their followers, I was feeling feverish with my need to one-up every other bride in-the-world.
I quickly realised that my budget didn’t allow for that. Mostly on account of the fact that…ah…there was none. So I had to scale down a little. For this, I turned to my wedding planner/bridal train participant to see if there was a way to still get what I wanted within an amount I could afford.
It seemed like Bisola wasn’t following me so closely. It may have been because, you know, I just got back and I may have still been uttering words with an essence of my foreign accent. Sometimes it takes me a while to defrost. But after some back and forth, it was decided.
I was going to invite my bridesmaids and my hostesses to breakfast at The Oriental hotel and then a movie at Genesis Deluxe Cinemas under the guise of a birthday celebration and then spring the proposal on them. They would never know what hit them!
We got to work planning everything out. You see, the proposal was really going to be at the cinema. But knowing my people….hm! Let’s just say my friends are those women you tell that a three PM event is starting at eleven AM so that they are only just slightly late. So, the breakfast was really just the assembly point so that they could be on time for the actual date.
Once everything was planned out, all I had to do was send out invites and wait. The thing with my friends is, we may not see each other for ions, but as soon as we need to, everyone comes out for each other…well, mostly.
So on the D-Day. I woke up, boiled water, ate the steam for breakfast and sucked in my stomach. I had decided to wear a cropped top and food was now a thing of the past. I dressed up and as usual, was the first to arrive at the hotel. One after the other, people started to trickle in and it was so nice to be all together and feel the buzz of excitement. My wedding planning felt like it had now begun in earnest.
We had such a wonderful time! All the girls inhaling their breakfast, me inhaling vicariously through them, while precariously holding stomach in. It was such a madhouse, we did not stop talking. Well, except for that one time where we all stopped to pointedly stare at someone that walked past and judge them until they hurried away in a state of discomfort. It was one of those magical moments where a large group of women see the one person they all abhor at the same time. Very refreshing. You know nothing unites people faster than a common enemy.
Soon it was time for us to take our official portraits (yeah, we also had our wedding photographer present to take pictures of everyone so we could put up their pictures on the wedding website) and then head on out to the cinema.
We all got there in convoy and went up the stairs and into the ticketing area. Standing there was Bisola who had all our tickets in hand and two movie attendants flanking her on either side with our refreshments (such a VIP lifestyle, you know?).
We were shown to our seats and then the attendants came in and served us. It was all very posh and what not….
When we finally settled down. The previews began to roll by and I got more and more anxious as my surprise came closer, I don’t know why I was nervous, but I was. Then….Ghen Ghen! It was time….
The screen went dark and there I was in massive technicolour glory:
At this point, my girls were riveted, they could tell something was happening as they recognised me on the screen but they didn’t know what was going on. But my Fatima,( also known as BN, which is short for baby niece) being from the new age and all, instinctively whipped out her phone and started to record what was going on while the rest of us, older ladies, just sat there watching.
As soon as they realised that it was actually about them, there was a collective “Awwwwwww….” and everyone said yes!
Please watch my official acting debut below…who knows? I just might pull an Olajumoke and get an acting contract.
The Making of the video.
Videography: My brother, photographer extraordinaire, painter unrivalled, husband to Binta, father to my little Bride and arsenal club fan, *drumroll*…… Isaac Emokpae!
Voiceover: Denola Grey of Denola Grey fame. A gentleman and a friend. (I said to him that the easiest way to pronounce my surname was to say “A mock pie” and boy did he go for it! Lol! Thank you SO much Denola! You were SUCH a help!)
Editor and Producer and Director and discoverer of my raw acting talent: Also, Isaac.
Scenes from Today…
|Shoes: Guiseppe Zanotti design|
|Glasses: Tom Ford|
|Buba and Iro set: Shakara Couture|
|Necklace: That place in Shoprite|
|Earrings: Stolen (and now recovered) from Iwiyisi|
|Lipstick: Labelle Uk vintage and Labelle Uk dark child|
|Sweater dress: Baby Gap|
|Necklace: Used to be mummy’s choker from nasty gal|